


Say it Now

by AKA_47



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:23:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3066014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKA_47/pseuds/AKA_47
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mackenzie finds out about the deal memo with FOX and realizes that Will never intended to marry her. It's this revelation that causes her to go cover the war. Neither of them realize just how much they've lost  until there are miles and miles between them, but it's never too late when love is involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say it Now

**Author's Note:**

> Since we find out about Will speaking with FOX I've wondered what would have happened if that was the reason they broke up instead of Brian. So, in this story, Mac never had an affair with Brian since it would be pretty hypocritical of her to be mad over the deal memo when she had that secret. I tried with the dates of the emails, since I'm pretty sure the finale said that it had been 5 months since the stabbing in April of 2010, but I could be wrong. Also, ignore my thinly veiled love of Richard Engel (who would have been Senior Middle East Correspondent at the time, I think)...or don't because he's wonderful. The title comes from a song in the musical Spider Man Turn Off the Dark. Enjoy!

Mackenzie hadn’t been able to conjure up sadness, not anger or frustration, which surprised her because those weren’t emotions she ever had trouble with when it came to Will, even though she loved him (maybe because she loved him). She hadn’t felt the familiar blush creep into her cheeks, snake its way down her neck. Calm had descended on her, muffling every sound, making her thoughts undeniably clear, her decision simple. She would go away. It was as simple as that. She’d made a few calls and that was that. She didn’t even pause in packing the few things she had at his apartment when he came in.

“What’s going on?” She glanced up to see Will frozen in the doorway, keys still in his hand.

“I’m leaving.” She zipped up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder to illustrate just how serious she was.

Will gaped at her. “Okay, I must have misheard that tone, because even I couldn’t have missed this. Is there a story somewhere?”

Mac nodded, biting her lip. “There is.”

He let out a breath.

“I’m going to do foreign coverage for CNN.”

Whatever air he’d just taken in was quickly knocked from him. “Why?” He asked breathlessly.

“Were you ever going to tell me about the FOX offer, Billy?”

Recognition dawned in his eyes and he threw his keys onto the table and closed the gap between them. “I can explain that. It was nothing serious. I’m not going anywhere.” He put his hands on her shoulder to keep her in place, but she shrugged them off, stepping around him.

“It’s not about that. I mean it is about that,” she elaborated at his dumbfounded expression. “But it’s not just about that. You were never going to marry me were you?”

He opened his mouth, but his reply died on his tongue. Mackenzie backed to the door. “There’s my answer. I don’t even know what we are. Where are we going?”

Will threw his hands up in the air. “Why do we have to _go_ anywhere? Jesus, isn’t this fucking enough?” He gestured to the space around them to encompass their lives together. “What the fuck do you want?”

She shrugged, looking around as though she might find the answer. She didn’t find one and she bit her lip. “You know, I’m not even sure. More? Is that an acceptable response? No, don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter.” She put her hand on the doorknob and for the first time all day she felt her hand begin to shake.

“Wait.” Will’s eyes fixed on the door, pleading with her not to open it. “There’s a war going on, Mac. You can’t just decide to do foreign coverage. You know you belong in the studio.”

Mac drew herself up straight. “I’m going to try to be patient,” she said evenly, the long awaited flush beginning to bloom on her skin. “Because I know that was supposed to be sweet, but _why_ do I belong in the studio, Will? Because it’s safer? Because I can’t cover a warzone?”

Will sighed. “I didn’t say that.”

A mirthless laugh clawed its way from Mac’s throat. “You didn’t need to. I can read you. I’m good at it. But you know, I am capable of being good at more than one thing and I’ll get the hang of this too.” The sarcasm dripped from her words and her smile was a twisted angry thing he’d never seen before.

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to propose right now?”

Mac laid her head back against the door, casting her eyes up, unable to look at him. “No. I don’t want you to do that. It’s too late.”

“Then how do I fix it?” She dropped her gaze to him then, because he sounded defeated, like he really did want to know how he could magically mend them, how he could cross the gulf between them.

Her smile softened, a sad turn to her lips. “You can’t, Billy. I’m taking the job. It’s okay. You don’t have to want more just because I do. I just can’t do this anymore.”

She straightened her bag on her shoulder, pulling open the door which suddenly felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

“I love you.” He called after her and she turned to see him standing in the doorway she’d just vacated.

She paused, her eyes searching him before she turned on her heel, reaching up to touch her lips quickly to his. “I know you do. I love you too.”

“Then stay,” he pleaded. His words were so soft she almost didn’t hear them, but she did and they twisted like a knife in her gut.

“Do a good show, Will. Make me proud.” She turned away from him before he could see how glossy her eyes were or how her lips trembled after the words, desperate to take them back, to walk back into the apartment and resign herself to the (beautiful) stagnant life they’d created.

But Mackenzie McHale had never played it safe before and as she distanced herself from the comfortable past, heading into the uncertain future, it felt right somehow despite how it hurt.

\----

Will didn’t want to make her proud. He very seriously wanted to throw in the towel, say _fuck it. You walked out. Watch what I can do to “your show.”_ It was exactly the kind of vindictive shit his therapist would have warned him against if he bothered to go. But he didn’t need therapy. He needed rage, and alcohol, and to hate fucking Mackenzie McHale. How dare she? Just because he didn’t want to marry her she was going to cut her losses? He could hardly see what good marriage had ever done anyone. Half of them ended in divorce and as far as he could tell the other half ended up like his parents—married because there was no way out. He thought that she understood. Not that they’d ever talked about it, but he wasn’t going to walk out on her just because there wasn’t a piece of paper legally binding them to one another. She should have known that. Should have been okay with it.

Except he wasn’t in charge of dictating what Mac was and wasn’t supposed to be okay with. And they’d never talked about it, had basically shied away from most of the conversations about his childhood to be honest, and he was considering going to FOX (he would have been good at it. She knew that too). What were they going to do if he’d gotten the deal? But, no, he needed to hate Mackenzie. Now, before he did something really stupid like emailing her, or having her google alerted or (in his most embarrassingly needy moments) getting on a fucking plane and flying to whatever war torn hell hole she was in and dragging her away.

And he just couldn’t stop thinking about what she was doing over there. Not just the part where he worried if she was safe. That was the larger part, but not all of it. He couldn’t help himself, Will just kept imagining Mac taking up with Richard Engel, bonding over Middle Eastern politics and the dangers of reporting in a warzone, that damn Stanford educated, award winning…He was really losing his mind. Plus, it was really impairing his ability to watch war coverage on NBC or CNN, which meant that more often than not he ended up turning off the TVs angrily and blasting his stereo out on the balcony. He was quickly becoming a very poor consumer of news.

He didn’t destroy the show, in the end, but he couldn’t stay with the network either. It was _her_ show, _her_ network. He couldn’t come into the office and not imagine her there. He couldn’t pass the control room without thinking that he would find her there. So, when Charlie Skinner called to say that ACN was looking for a new anchor, one that could really change how the news was told, he didn’t hesitate to take him up on it, and if he ended up making Mackenzie proud in the process so be it.

\---

They called her reckless sometimes, the guys. They were times they said it to chastise her, but more often than not it was said with affection, as in _look at this little British girl, can you believe the nerve of her? She’s made of tough stuff._ Mackenzie loved it. It made her feel strong, like a bad ass. She knew she was at her best when she was juggling a million things at once, when everything that could go wrong did, she always had been. She found that the same principle applied when it came to gunfire ripping through the night out of the blue, when it woke her from the light sleep she’d managed to survive on, forcing them to run, not only to run but to film, document. She wasn’t a soldier by any stretch, but she was a bad ass reckless journalist, reporting on the stories that really mattered.

“You must be running from something pretty bad to enjoy this,” Jim had remarked once, in passing, as he examined the newly blossoming bruises on his skin.

She did enjoy it. At first. When her mind was too full to think about Will or what she’d left behind. When she didn’t have the energy to be bitter, or resentful, or to google _News Night_ at the end of the day. Until the first death, when she’d watched a man bleed out in front of her and she could do absolutely nothing about it except watch and hold his hand and try to be comforting only to realize she had no fucking clue how to do it, how to do any of it. She was not a soldier. She wasn’t sure she ever wanted to learn, ever wanted it to become common place.

She’d seen a lot of death by the time she emailed Will, because she was exhausted and she missed home and she’d been gone too God damn long to be mad about a fight that had happened ages ago.

_10/30/2009_

_The show is really good. What I can catch of it anyway. Not much time for channel surfing here. Hope you’re doing well. I miss you._

_-Mac_

\---

**_11/1/2009_ **

**_I’m surprised you’ve caught any of it, to be honest. It’s mostly Charlie’s doing. He lets me do the actual news, can you imagine that? He doesn’t even mention the ratings. It’s not quite the same without you as my EP though. How long do you think this war is going to last anyway?_ **

**_Will_ **

****

_11/4/2009_

_The novelty! Put in a good work for me, would you? Maybe I’ll make the jump over to ACN when I get out of this mess. I could use a break. Not that you’ve ever been very easy to handle…_

_-Mac_

**_11/5/2009_ **

**_Very funny. By any chance, have you run into Richard Engel in your time over there?_ **

****

_11/6/2009_

_Richard Engel? I’ve met him, but that’s about it. Why?_

**_11/7/2009_ **

**_No reason. You could come home you know. I wouldn’t be opposed to it._ **

****

_11/10/2009_

_And what would happen if I did, Billy? We’re still not on the same page. I still want the same things._

**_11/11/2009_ **

**_Maybe I do too. I don’t know. It’s been a long time, Mac. It really sucks that you’re gone._ **

**_11/13/2009_ **

**_Mac?_ **

**_11/14/2009_ **

**_Mac, I just meant that we’re good together. I never would have gone to FOX. I loved what we were doing together. I fucked up, Mac. Maybe I didn’t want to get married. Maybe I did. All I know is that I shouldn’t have let you go. Not let you. You’re an adult I can’t stop you from doing whatever you want to do. I just mean that I should have fought for you. I know I’m not the best at expressing myself, but just—come home okay. I just want you to come home._ **

It wasn’t until he’d agonized over every word of the email, scouring it for anything she might have taken offense to, that might have scared her off, when he heard that Mac had been stabbed…

\---

“You were running from Will McAvoy,” Jim announced as he came into her hospital room. Mackenzie could tell from the grin on his face that she must have finally been looking better, a notion that was strengthened when she felt herself blush.

“Not exactly running,” she hedged uncomfortably. “How did you know?”

Jim’s smile widened, clearly a little unnerved by his own daring as he glanced from his feet back to Mac. “I guessed. But to be fair, it seemed pretty safe since he’s sitting out in the hallway waiting to see you.”

“What?” Mac licked her lips, suddenly unbearably dry. “ _Here?”_

Jim nodded. “And he looks like he hasn’t slept in a while.”

“Probably because he thinks I’m dying,” Mac mumbled.

“I assured him you weren’t and he doesn’t look like he’s leaving any time soon even knowing that.”

Mac sighed, shifting in the bed to try and make herself look…less wounded. “You can let him in.”

Jim laughed. “I don’t think I could’ve stopped him if I tried.”

He slipped out of the room, followed only seconds later by Will, his face carefully guarded as though unsure what he would find when he came in. He relaxed a little when he saw her. Clearly alive, whole, more or less.

“I didn’t know.” He apologized. “Not until…” he looked at his watch, tired eyes obviously not registering the numbers on the face of it. He gave up, “however many hours it took to get on a plane and fly here.”

“It’s fine.” She blinked rapidly against the moisture that was threatening in her eyes.

Will walked slowly over to her, like he wasn’t entirely sure he was allowed. “It’s not. I was an ass.” He waited for the smile he knew would come and it was even more beautiful than he remembered.

“About what exactly? I can’t recall,” she teased, watching as his fingers edged closer to hers. She could feel the ghost of his touch against her skin.

“I’ve never wanted to be married,” he confessed. “I didn’t exactly have the best example of marital bliss growing up.” His gaze fell away from her as it always did when he talked about his childhood. “But that doesn’t matter because we’re not them. Jesus, even when I’m trying to be mad at you I can’t manage it.”

“Do you try often?” She couldn’t help it.

“Yes,” he said candidly. She laughed, wincing as she did. She watched the flicker of concern enter his eyes and God, did she love him for it. Had never stopped loving him, even with miles between them.

“Can you stop? Trying, I mean,” Mackenzie asked quietly. She looked down at her blanket, startling when Will’s hand finally touched her own. She glanced up, hardly daring to breathe.

“Mackenzie, I’ve been trying to impress you since the minute you left. I’ve been doing _your show._ Your dream show. I’ve been waiting for you to walk into my office and…” he cast around, looking for the words.

“Come up with ways it could be better?” she suggested, a laugh in her voice.

“Yes,” he said seriously. “But I should have been the one to email you. I should have done it a long time ago and I don’t know if you’ve moved on. You should, really. Not that I’m hoping you did. I’m really not. I was afraid of marrying you, Mac, afraid that it would change us.”

“It couldn’t…” Mac started, stroking the back of his hand lightly.

“ _I know._ It would have been a good realization to come to years ago, but I’m coming to it now. I was so afraid of it that I was convinced it would be easier to let you go, because then I could blame you--”

“You’ve been going to therapy.”

“Would you stop interrupting? I’m trying to have an epiphany here.”

Mac bit down a smile, nodding demurely. “Sorry. Go on.”

Will took a deep breath. “I thought it would be easier to lose you. When you left I took it as proof that we never would have worked out, that I’d dodged a bullet by not committing, but you never would have left if I hadn’t been such an idiot. That’s what I should have been afraid of Mac, losing you. Because I love you. I have all this time and it’s not going to change. I will love you for the rest of my life. I want to marry you Mackenzie Morgan McHale, because the only thing I have to be afraid of is not being with you forever.”

He looked at her, searching for an answer, but all Mac could do was gape at him.

“There should have been a ring,” he said quickly, reading into her silence. “There would have been a ring except I was trying to catch a flight and I didn’t really plan this out. I mean, I didn’t expect you to be in the hospital when I did this, but there will be a ring. Say something.”

“You’ve been planning this?” She choked out. “For how long?”

Will shrugged. “Since I went to ACN to do your show. Maybe before. I don’t know.”

“That’s a long time.” Her words were thick with unshed tears and she cleared her throat.

Will nodded nervously. “You haven’t said anything.”

“You didn’t actually ask a question,” she told him, breathless.

“Shit. Okay. Wait—does that mean you’re saying yes? For the record, I really want you to say yes.”

Mac rolled her eyes. “Ask the question.”

“Right. Mackenzie, will you marry me?”

“Yes.” It was quiet, but sure, and the word was barely out of her mouth before his lips were on hers and in that moment it didn’t matter how long they’d been a part. They never would be again and that was the most (only) important thing.  
 

 

 

 


End file.
